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Literature Text
A frozen January -- cold
In Spirit -- I lie down,
And see my Child come to the world,
A Rose in Heaven sown.
Lifting her high -- as Sacrament,
A Blessing -- in the air,
I touch my lips to baby toes:
So sweet the taste -- so fair
The Child -- enchanted laugh peals out.
My self-perception calls --
Remembrance of the Mother mild
inside the stable walls.
The coming of this Lamb brings out --
An intimacy which --
Redeems from winter tired soul,
Turns Spirit poor to rich.
I hold the Child -- upon my lap --
The Gift of winter Flower,
Humbled and brought to tears by this,
The Answer -- to my prayer.
Literature
daughters
my 5 year old daughter only wants to run
through the park, loping beside our wolf-puppy,
both lean & fierce, joyful
as she tosses her hair back
& suddenly I see my body
in hers, tireless & certain,
despite my pounding heart
& damaged limbs, I run&run&
then she gives for a moment,
tumbled full-length in the grass,
feeding the puppy from her cupped hands,
& demanding, scratch my back too!
then down her sides & over the ripples
of her ribcage, her leaping heart
& tummy, still baby-soft,
until the shadows reach us & I
must give her back, inch by inch,
a long, twirling hug
my mother will echo with sad arms,
murmuring, you look really good,
Literature
My Mother's Horse
The night my mother died, the horse in the barn started singing.
Its neck bulged, veins sticking out like ropes around a hanged man's throat. The old blind eyes stared at nothing, dumbly terrified of the same.
"Shut up, you old dumb bitch," I snapped at it. It had been my mother's horse. Better than a lawnmower, cheaper than a car, she used to say. But for the last few years, it had been too sick to eat and too weak to ride or pull a cart. It just stood in its stall, swaying on its broomstick legs and heaving its eyelids up and down over its smoggy eyes. We'd been an odd trio—my mom, her horse, and me. She refused to kill it, and it h
Literature
How To Raise A Borderline
Don’t recognize your child’s needs,
or at the very least see them as
secondary to your own.
Ignore your child’s tears;
tell them to buck up.
Better yet,
tell them if they don’t stop crying
you’ll give them something to cry about.
That outta teach ’em.
Weigh them down with adult demands.
Expect them to cook dinner
at nine years old
because you’ll be home late.
Force them to grow up too fast,
or don’t allow them to grow up at all
because in a child’s dependent role
is where you can control them.
Don’t be consistent,
with anything.
Change your values like you change your sex partners
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A response to Emily Dickinson's "There came a day at Summer's full." I have never written a poem like this before! It is about me and my daughter, who was born on a freezing January night, and who rocks my world. Religious symbolism is rife, and set apart by the use of emdashes and capital letters. There is a good explication of Dickinson's poem at www.gradesaver.com/emily-dicki….
Rev. 10/5/13 6:48 pm
Rev. 10/6/13/ 6:20 am
Rev. 10/5/13 6:48 pm
Rev. 10/6/13/ 6:20 am
© 2013 - 2024 fernknits
Comments5
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Hello there;
I like the emotion of the piece; it's quite powerful which as a parent I understand the wonder and beauty of children being born. I'm familiar with the poem from Dickinson as well and I like the response you had towards it. I am however going to branch my critique off your poem specifically ignoring hers for the most part.
I do have a few suggestions:
I do understand what you were trying to do with the hyphens; however I feel they break up your poem more than do it justice. If you're set on using them, I would suggest adjusting them a little bit.
For example: A frozen January -- cold
In Spirit -- I lie down,.
I feel like you could remove the first set: "A frozen January, cold
in spirit - I lie down" When you use the hyphens I stop as though it's a new part and I read it "A frozen January. Cold in Spirit. I lie down." and it's more fragmented than whole.
Another thing the previous critique mentioned so I won't get too in depth about is the capitalization. It seems random and I re-read it to see if there's a reason why it's so prominent.
I've always appreciated the use of rhyme in poetry; it can be an art in itself.
I noticed the first stanza you use down and sown, which at first I tried fixing in, but the last stanza you use prayer and flower, which sort of balances the two out; whether intentional or not I think worked out quite well for you.
By stanza:
1st
I like this stanza a lot; I mentioned the hyphens above; but my suggestion here would be A Rose in Heaven sown since your daughter was born in January I would suggest changing it to "from Heaven" or using a word other than sown, such born. Sown is to plant; which would be conception but adding from would be bringing it down, having been created.
2nd
I really like the imagery you use here; I can picture one proud mama in this stanza. I love the lines "I touch my lips to baby toes; so sweet the taste". It's beautiful, and honest.
3rd
"The Child - enchanted laugh peals out." I would either an "an" to the beginning or pluralize "laugh" to laughs giving it action into the poem rather than an "I'm telling you" feel of it. Keep in mind Show not tell.
4th
Again, another beautiful set.
The 3rd line "Redeems from winter tired soul" it still seems fragmented; perhaps change winter to winters or to "from a winter", depending on how you want to change it. Personally I think "a winter" would be better as it would describe yours and/or the child's more than winters the season.
"turns Spirit poor to rich" I love this! I love the sense of wholeness you describe that your daughter brings. It's beautiful.
5th
I love the ending; it's strong and powerful. It gives off a sense of raw love that is both beautiful and amazing. I've heard it so many times "there's no love stronger than a mothers", and it's very true. You captivate that very well right here.
Overall I think the poem could use some work with the wording and format; but as for the poem itself it's quite strong when you clean it up. It's honest, powerful and heartfelt full of love and beauty. The imagery and emotions you convey are amazing. Keep writing!
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TORi
***please do not pay attention to the stars, the critique is in what I wrote***
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